My eyes only

That's just it, right?  Every day is a do -over.  I never chose to do it differently until one day I did.  Shifted ever so slightly in a different direction.  And here I am, on a much different path and breaking some cycles.  While I continue to watch others (cycles) spin before my eyes.  A fixed point constantly dragging across it's circular trajectory.  As I sit here envisioning a spinning merry-go round.  Suddenly something pops out and catches your eye - usually a red coat or bright hair, for me. It disappears from sight for a split second, and it emerges suddenly on the other side, circling into your field of vision.  Your eyes moving left to right and back again.  Just an observer of an object in motion.  That's how I feel about some of the very real cycles that play in my life, and always have, seemingly since the beginning of time.

I've learned the lesson of humility this go around.  The time I put into judging someone, or situations always comes back to me as I am doing the very thing  I thought so lowly of.  I try to find words to explain to everyone how this brain of mine works.  But the truth is; it's very fluid.  The way I observe life, participate in it and interact with people  changes.  Does this indicate some mental deformity?  Does this mean I'm not being honest with myself about what my feelings are in the first place?  I really don't think so.  After much consideration, and many hours of not caring the outcome, just wanting an answer; I've decided the answer has to be no.  I tend to have a very unique ability to look at my internal dialogue objectively.  I am pretty honest about how I feel.  At that moment.  It can be a bitch.

Speaking of bitches, my internal dialog can certainly be one.   It's almost like I am completely fluent in asshole/condescension/judgemental-prick.  I don't think these things (mostly) about other people.  I just know how other people think.  I know how my actions, thoughts or moods will be perceived by other people.  I find myself making decisions based on this and this alone, often.  Is that a wrong thing to do?  I think it's necessary to have a healthy amount of awareness of other's perceptions.  But where my mind veers off path is when that is the only consideration when making life altering decisions.  I am too good at removing my emotion and feeling from a situation to view objectively.  My mind hops to "auto pilot" and I go dancing among the flowers of my imagination and leave my mind and mouth to take the wheel and keep me between the lines. But when I force myself to be grounded and search my insides for an examination, I can usually do so pretty clearly.  

I don't think I'm alone.  I come in contact with people on auto-pilot every day.  We all do.  We tune out and become our own little sanctuary's from the craziness whirling around us.  I have learned the trick to breaking cycles, but a lot of times it takes really coming to grips that this particular thing no longer serves you in your life.  I broke my cycle of not caring about financial responsibilities because that's "money and money is evil".  I did that by slightly shifting my view of taking control back from the "man".  When you actively participate in this society, it gives you more of a voice than when you become incognito, hiding in shadows to yourself.  I was hurting no one but myself by pretending I had no responsibility to anyone or anything.

So, then can I break the cycles of my heart?  Do I want to?  I love deeply.  I have no choice in that.  I choose people to put in my life and start to love them, then my heart decides in what way it is going to love that person.  These seems like an overly-simplified version of reality, but it's the best way to begin to explain myself.  I question why I decided to put these thoughts into a tangeable form.  Who needs to know this stuff, or who is really going to care at all what my thoughts are?  I guess my answer is - I do.  And I need a way to make some things black and white.  The truth is; everything is fluid.  Including love. I can try to manipulate situations to turn out the way I want them to, but ultimately - often the outcomes are not ones I would have chosen.  In that manner I feel out of control, and I need to decide if I can take control, or at least create new cycles that serve me better.  Even though I love people deeply, and I truly believe I bring something positive to them, I do not want to break any more hearts doing so.